i’ve never heard anybody close to me or that i’ve been really good friends with die before.

don’t get me wrong. when i was seven, my grandfather died, but i was too young to really remember, and any memories i have of him have all be told to me after the fact.

that all changed at 1:30am on friday morning.

that morning i received a call from a the oldest daughter of a friend/co-worker telling me that my friend/co-worker had an aneurysm explode in her brain. knowing what i knew from watcthing er and grey’s anatomy, i knew it wasn’t a good sign.

i didn’t want to believe, but i knew it wasn’t a good sign.

i immediately dove into work. i logged into the company servers and immediately pluggged away at the cardinals and diamondbacks section of our sports section.

i didn’t want to believe what i was told. i couldn’t handle that news.

i kept plugging away at work. i couldn’t sleep.

eventually, after i stopped with the work stuff, i got caught up on my thursday night shows. anything to try to escape the reality.

at 5:15am, i received a phone call from my friend’s husband. he told me the drilled a whole into her head to try to relieve the pressure. the aneurysm kept bleeding. the doctors couldn’t stop. there was nothing they could do.

they kept her on life support so that her oldest daughter, the one that initially called me who was in wisconsin for training, could fly in so she could say good-bye.

i haven’t cried yet.

i got into the office at 6am. i had to tell my boss. we were all really good friends with her. my boss needed to know.

when he came in, he gave me a look like, “what the hell are you doing here?”

i immediately took him into his office to break him the news.

i’ve never had to tell news like that before. i don’t know if i did it right or wrong. i just relayed him the news i had so far.

i still hadn’t cried.

i was in a stunned state. i didn’t know what to do. i couldn’t work. i couldn’t do anything. i just sat at my desk starring at the computer monitor. 7am eventually rolled around so i went to the cafeteria to get breakfast.

that didn’t help.

i still hadn’t cried.

much like my friend’s oldest daughter, i needed to say good-bye.

people started coming to my desk to talk to me about what happened. they needed details. they needed to cry. i had to be strong. i couldn’t cry. i had to keep it under control. i couldn’t cry.

is it an emotional disconnection?

i don’t know what it is. i couldn’t bring myself to cry.

i eventually got a message from another one of my co-workers saying that her husband was able to get into the ICU to see my friend. i had to get in there.

i had to say good-bye.

i convinced my boss and the vice president of my division to go to the hospital to see her.

on the way to the hospital, i got a phone call from somebody i didn’t know. he said we worked together. i didn’t know who it was.

seeing her in that state she was in was the hardest thing i’ve ever seen. i’ve always known her as a very strong person. seeing her with the tubes down her throat and the machine breathing for her… i was held speechless. i couldn’t say anything. i hugged her sister. we shared a couple stories.

it was hard to look at my friend. i couldn’t do it.

eventually, i got the strength to hold her hand. i told i’d miss her.

i could hold back. i started crying.

i hugged her sister more.

i didn’t want the people i worked with see me cry.

i couldn’t hold it in. even when i walked out of the hospital room, i was still crying a little bit. another woman i worked with held me a little bit.

i struggled to compose myself.

i had to be the one with the strength. i knew people would be coming to me for information.

i had to leave work. i couldn’t handle the onslaught of people coming up to me asking me how i’m doing.

what am i supposed to say?

“i feel like shit.”

“i’m sad that she died.”

“leave me the fuck alone!”

i don’t want to go to work on monday. i have to, though, because my friend’s daughter’s going to be stopping by to pick up her mother’s stuff.

i won’t be able to concentrate on work. i need to move to another desk, and i will be next weekend. i’m gonna start moving my stuff over this week.

i haven’t cried since the hospital room. i know i need to cry. she was my friend, my chum, my partner in crime at work. we look out for each other. we had each other’s back. we went to bat for each other.

the funeral’s on wednesday.

hopefully i’ll cry then.